Well it wouldn't be Christmas if we didn't pay homage to the annual phenomenon of weird Christmas gifts. And let's be honest, the religious significance of Christmas has somewhat overshadowed the true commercial spirit of the season of late - so let's get cynical and hark back (as Harold the Angel would say) to a time (possibly late 80's) when questioning the relevance of the gift was a lot more fun than simply saying thank you, under duress.

And so… following a brief discussion on the same subject down the pub, where one individual told me that he and his brother received a pen-knife and an 18-rated romance movie from their grandfather when they were just 6 and 7; here are my starters for 5:

1. Pop-psychology books - offered to helpfully resolve the issues you never realised you had… it's enough to give anyone a complex
2. Odd shaped glasses - that are too tall to store in any normal cabinet, and too delicate to ever use
3. Any fruit in a brandy preserve - this stuff only ever gets eaten as a forfeit during vicious drinking games
4. A wall-mounted vase (It was nice enough, but when I opened the present a gift card fell out - addressed to the people who sent me the vase … they must have received it the previous year and simply re-wrapped it and passed it on!)
5. A goat - bought on behalf of you and donated to a third-world country. I'm with Karl Pilkington on this one who said, and I quote: "…who's happy at the end of this? You've got a fella over here who hasn't got a present - because his mate bought him a goat. He's not happy. Then you've got the person who's opened it who wanted summit else. It's a goat. They go, 'Tut who's going to look after this?' They're not happy. And you've got the goat, going ‘What am I doing here…?’"