No reason to post this, other than it's brilliant.

I cycled to work this week. I figured it would help me keep fit, save money, be kind to the environment, nice to animals and so aid restful sleep.

After a quick shower I got changed from cycling gear into more suitable office attire. What I hadn't counted on was a female member of the fashion police pulling me over in the office to point out I was "Wearing my belt the wrong way round!" I checked it wasn't back to front. It was fine. Yet my colleague insisted I was wearing it the "girl's way".

The "girl's way"?  Ok I know that some ladies shirts have buttons on the left, and zips are on the other side of coats, but I had no idea that all my life I'd been wearing a belt the "girls way"!

In fact, I refuse to accept that there is a "girls way" for belts (there's nothing on wikipedia about it - nuff said). And then my colleague found some old navy regulations online (she had to dig deep to find them though…)

"Belt:

• The brass on the belt will be shinned and mark free
• The belt will be fitted so that the buckle and the brass fitting on the other end of the belt will perfectly line up when worn
• Female midshipmen wear the belt in such a manner that the belts tip points to the midshipman's right; male midshipmen wear the belt so that the belts tip points to the midshipman's left
• The end without the belt tip will be in line with the shirt edge and trouser fly edge to make a straight gig-line" 

Whatever! So how do you wear yours?  With the end pointing to the left or right, (and who told you to do it that way?) - or are you like me in that you've never really thought about it until now?

Funny is subjective, and what tickles one person might not make another even smile.  This is probably the piece of TV I laughed the most at, it's absolute genius. 

 

What do jalapeños, fajitas, Majorca and Juventus have in common?

I was in Subway getting a sandwich the other day, and someone in front of me in the queue was asked if he wanted any jalapenos on his sandwich.  Oh "ja-lapenos" (he said stressing the J at the start of the word so that it was pronounced the same way as in 'jam'). 

The girl behind the counter said "yes, jalapenos" (pronouncing the word correctly), whilst rolling her eyes.

I heard someone order fajitas as well not so long ago, again insisting that the 'j' should be pronounced as in jam.

They must hear people pronounce these words correctly, and then choose to ignore the correct pronunciation.  Surely no one says Majorca with a hard 'j' anymore, although it wouldn't surprise me?

Andy Gray often refers to Juventus with a hard 'j', and he's not the only one.  Kevin Keegan does exactly the same.  Again they must hear people pronounce Juve or Juventus correctly and choose to ignore that they are the ones who are wrong?

The same people who insist on the hard 'j' incorrectly, also seem to be the same ones who insist on calling José Mourinho - 'Hosé' as it would be pronounced in Spansh, but not in Portuguese.  Do they take delight in getting it wrong and making themselves sound less intelligent?  Is it something they work hard at?

Talking of 'pronunciation' I am hearing more and more people mispronounce it so that it sounds like pronounce-iation. It isn't even spelt like that, so why do they insist on mangling the English language so?

Watching the 'Bodyshock' series on Channel 4 last week, and was faced with a very interesting strap-line from the sponsors of the series, VW.

For those that don't know it, the series looks at different "extraordinary and captivating real life stories" each episode.  Actually, it's a freak show of people with abnormalities or who are massively overweight, etc.  It is compulsive viewing.

Anyway, VW sponsor the series, and before last week's episode there on the screen was the Passat with the strap-line "the beautifully engineered Passat".  Then the screen fades to show Huang Chuncai, China's Elephant Man who has over 20Kg of tumorous growth on his face.  

Was this intentional?  I think it probably was.  It does make you think about what other inappropriate sponsorship deals and strap-lines could be used for other programmes. 

Maybe Dr Pepper with their "what's the worst that could happen" strap-line to go alongside the proposed Madeleine McCann documentary?

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street .. As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8 ) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (…pause). "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home…."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (…pause). "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (…pause). "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Taken from British newspapers:

1
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

3
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

4
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

5
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)